Why I Don't Want My Kids "Socialized" in Public School
"I went to public school myself, K-12. I know what it is like there. I know that the kids can be curious about other ways. I know for the first 3 – 4 years they overlook familial differences and don’t form any sort of “social classes” and they’re generally pretty inclusive.
But then, it changes. Somewhere around the 4th grade, they start to figure it out. Some people are “better” than others. Some people are “weird.” And weird is bad. You can’t stand out. Differences are not appreciated, especially if they are of the slow, nerdy, ‘strange’ (think, dresses in all black/enjoys reading encyclopedias for fun/would rather hang out with the lunch lady than the other kids) variety.
There is no way to avoid this. Kids are naturally curious about what makes them different from others. They are beginning to pick up on the attitudes of the adults around them, including their parents. I don’t know a single adult who, in private, is 100% non-judgmental and inclusive. And even if they are, there’s that little thing called peer pressure.
So many people grow up to hate those who tormented them in school. Some never outgrow wanting to “show the bully” how successful they are, how they rose above the poor treatment they received. There are entire books, movies, and TV shows dedicated to these issues.
Look at the wildly popular show, The Big Bang Theory. How often do the characters on that show discuss how they wish their bullies could see them today, how nerds “really” run the world, and how the character Penny (who is of average intelligence and is considered beautiful, and was very popular in high school) used to be a bully and the fully grown Bernadette and Amy characters, both of whom have Ph.D.s and successful adult lives are “lucky” just to be her friend?
It’s not just fodder for TV. It’s a reflection of the real world, in this case. Schools are cracking down on bullying, working under a so-called “zero tolerance” policy (that is an issue for another day…). Young boys and girls are committing suicide over teasing and torturing they receive in school because they are too stupid, too smart, too fat, too poor, too rich, too…something.
Having been on the receiving end of it the majority of my school years, I know what it’s like. I know the feeling of being on the “outside” and wishing to fit, wondering why I didn’t, wondering how I should or could change. I wish now I could go back 15 years and tell myself it doesn’t matter, that they don’t set the standard for what is good or right, and that there are many ways to be that are perfectly good and fine, even if they’re not common. But this isn’t about me.
I do not want my children to pick up on “the way the world works” when they are still young and fragile. I do not want them to think there is something wrong with them because we make different choices in religion, food, medicine, and so on. They are fully well aware that we do make different choices — I am very honest with them that most other families vaccinate because they believe it is best for them, that they eat processed food because they don’t know it is not healthy, that their babies are born in hospitals, and so on. They know that what we do is not that common outside our circle of friends (where most are a lot like us).
It’s not about hiding the world from them. It’s not about pretending “all that other stuff” doesn’t exist. That’s foolish, because someday they will realize and they will wonder, unless you tell them.
What it is about is letting us set the standards for them. Letting us teach them what is right and what is wrong. Letting us allow them to be who they are and grow confident in it. It’s about keeping them away from this ridiculous peer pressure and impossible peer standards at a time when their identities are still forming.
It does not bother me now if someone thinks I am weird for canning food or not vaccinating. I feel confident I’ve made the right choice for my family and I know that I don’t have to live to others’ standards. Because I am an adult. Kids just don’t have those solid convictions yet. They can’t until they reach a certain age and learn to think abstractly and form their own sense of identity. I want to help them realize whoever they are is okay, and help them figure out what that is, without the input of their peers. They don’t need that sort of nonsense.
Maybe part of this is in reaction to what I experienced as a kid, but as I’ve noted, it’s only too real today — bullying is a huge topic in society. The problem hasn’t gone away. If I can save my kids from that, I will." ~ Modern Alternative Mama (http://www.modernalternativemama.com/2013/07/10/why-i-dont-want-my-kids-socialized-in-public-school/)
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog-post!!!!!
This post, and THIS passage right here above, best sums up, in a nutshell, one (of the many) reasons why if/when I have kids, they are going to be homeschooled/unschooled and are NEVER (as long as I have any say in it) setting even one little toe in a "regular" (whether public, private, parochial or charter) school.
I never want my child(ren) to go through all the hell and misery I did as a kid, growing up with low/no self-esteem, believing they are stupid and dorky and worthless (and whatever else), and thinking that they are too dumb/smart/fat/skinny/short/tall/weird to deserve to live because everybody in school, including and especially even the adult teachers/staff humiliate, bully and exclude them every chance they can get. I especially NEVER EVER want them growing up feeling (like I have) that DEATH is the only escape from their torment, and worse, heaven forbid, actually trying to make that happen, as I did, many times.
No, MY kids are not going to be "socialized" by bullies and shallow materialistic cliques who pick on them just because they aren't wearing the "right" brand of jeans, or carrying the "right" brand of bookbag (like I was, for the first year or so of middle school just because I didn't have a designer "Esprit" bookbag but instead had just a generic no-name bookbag from Target, Kmart or some other similar "discount" store) or because their parents aren't blonde-haired, blue-eyed white-skinned Americans with US ancestry going back to the 18th century or for whatever other inane reason, whether its something that *could* be changed/altered (like type of clothing, for example) or something that cannot be changed (skin color, ethnicity, etc.)
My kids are NOT going to be "socialized" to feel like they are lower than the pond scum scraped off the bottom of a shoe, just because their parents don't belong to a country club (again like I was, in middle school because, just like those from the Depression-era, as immigrants from India my parents were/are frugal & thrifty believing in the importance of saving [and investing] for the future, and spending only on necessities, and to help those in need, rather than wasting money on frivolous luxuries like country clubs, and expensive cars, homes, jewelry and designer clothes & shoes) or drive the latest Lexus or BMW. (if you can't tell, I was in a very affluent public school district!)
My kids are NOT going to be "socialized" like I was to think that they are worthless because they are being made fun of for being dressed in perfectly decent no-designer name clothing from Target, K-mart and other discount stores.............so much so that they beg, plead, and cajole their parents into buying expensive designer clothes (many of which I ended up outgrowing soon after!) just so they can "fit in" with people they shouldn't care one whit about trying to impress!
Meanwhile to this day, I still regret & am even haunted about persuading my parents to buy expensive designer clothes for me when that money could have been saved, or donated to the millions truly in need!
No, MY kids are going to be "socialized" learning compassion, generosity, philanthropy and community service. They are going to be "socialized" by reading to, talking with, and entertaining lonely elderly people in nursing homes. They are going to be "socialized" by playing with the babies and young children of poor families in homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and transitional housing centers. They are going to be "socialized" by volunteering at food banks and charity pantry centers. They are going to be "socialized" by taking dance classes and music lessons, and other activities. They are going to have REAL "socialization" by traveling abroad and meeting people from lots of different countries, cultures, age groups and socio-economic backgrounds!
In other words, my kids are NOT going to be "socialized" by just a small & narrow microcosm of the world, which by its nature enables & even encourages bullying by dividing kids by ages into different grades, and by socio-economic status into different school districts and shut away for 7-8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 180 days a year for 12+ years of their lives.
Instead, my kids are going to be "socialized" by the REAL WORLD from actually experiencing and participating in it!!
